The three inevitable stages of tech M&A: Where employees lose, nepo babies win, and chaos reigns
Mergers and acquisitions are like corporate weddings: over-hyped, expensive, and disastrous for everyone not in the bridal party. For employees, it’s less “happily ever after” and more “till layoffs do us part.” The executives will tell you it’s about synergy, growth, and innovation, but let’s be real — it’s about padding their bank accounts while you scramble to figure out which team you report to now and whether your job description is getting a “streamlined” update (read: deleted).
1. Platitudes of mass complacency (pre-acquisition gaslighting)
It all starts with an all-hands meeting so drenched in corporate fluff you can practically hear the execs congratulating themselves backstage. The CEO beams while announcing “a transformative partnership” that’s “all about unlocking potential.” Translation: The acquired company’s execs just found a golden ticket to cash out — and they’re taking their office crushes, sycophants, and nepo babies along for the ride.
Employees start noticing a curious influx of Vice Presidents. VPs of what exactly? No one knows, but they’re definitely from the other company and somehow managing to get their entire teams (and probably their Pilates instructors) slotted into cushy roles. Meanwhile, HR rolls out “culture workshops” to make sure everyone can “collaborate effectively.” Pro tip: the fastest way to kill your will to live is a breakout session on shared values.
The rest of us? We’re told to “trust the process” and “focus on our deliverables” while executives quietly rewrite the org chart in blood. Spoiler: You're probably expendable if you’re not already in a VP’s inner circle — or romantically linked to them .
2. The conch is broken (post-acquisition theater of absurdity)
The merger closes, and the chaos unfolds. Employees wake up one day to an org chart resembling a Game of Thrones family tree — there are now layers of VPs no one knew existed. Their only apparent job? To “align strategy” and attend mysterious meetings where nothing gets decided. The rest of the company’s leadership team starts circling the wagons, protecting their turf while throwing buzzwords like “integration framework” around to look busy.
Layoffs follow, but not before the execs from the acquired company carve out spots for their favorites — your new boss might be someone’s third cousin who once designed a failed app for dog yoga. Nepo babies? Check. Office besties? Double-check. Loyalists who’ve been “just such a rock” for the last five months? Triple-check. The rest of you are left wondering if your keycard will work tomorrow while the newly anointed “VP of Synergy” spins tales about “accelerating innovation.”
Slack channels are now overflowing with side-eyes, rogue memes, and veiled complaints disguised as “jokes.” IT tries to merge tools and systems that haven’t been compatible since Windows XP, while you get calendar invites for meetings titled “Transitioning to the New Normal.” Spoiler: The “new normal” means doing twice the work with half the people.
3. Survival of the pettiest (restructuring death match)
By now, the survivors have split into factions: those clinging to optimism (bless their hearts), those refreshing LinkedIn every 10 minutes, and the VP henchpeople fighting to protect their acquired fiefdoms. The office politics are thicker than ever, as one newly appointed VP tries to rebrand their project as a “strategic priority” while another angle for a seat on the next investor call.
The real winners? The same executives who started this mess. Having set up their chosen ones with jobs that sound like Mad Libs (“VP of Cloud Product Enablement & Excellence”), they’re quietly working their exit plans and congratulating themselves on a job well done. And while you’re fighting over who owns the last remaining team budget, the execs are popping champagne and planning to “take some time off to reflect” (on a private island).
The end game is nigh
When the dust settles, the execs have cashed out, the nepo babies have secured their nepotastic promotions, and the employees are left fighting for office supplies and sanity in the aftermath of yet another pointless corporate union. Remember, in the world of M&A, the only constant is chaos — and the only winners are the ones holding the golden parachutes. Everyone else? You’re just here to make the PowerPoint slides look good before they axe your department. Cheers to progress!
Will Kelly is a writer, marketer, and keen observer of the IT industry. Medium is home to his personal writing. He’s written for CIO, TechTarget, InfoWorld, and others. His career includes stints in technical writing, training, and marketing. Follow him on X: @willkelly.
